


Three AM

by pretty_ish



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Relapsing, its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-08-21
Packaged: 2019-06-30 13:40:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretty_ish/pseuds/pretty_ish
Summary: Yang Jeongin is having trouble clearing his head in the late hours of the night.





	Three AM

     It was around 3 am. Thoughts were running around in Jeongin's mind. Bad thoughts. They bugged him and He wanted them gone. He could only think of one solution to ending these thoughts. The others were in the living room, fallen asleep after watching a movie, so Jeongin was alone in his room.

     He scrambled to his feet and out of his room. Remembering the time, he stealthily made his way towards the bathroom. He opened one of the drawers to find exactly what he was looking for. A pack of disposable razors.

     He grabbed one and made his way back to the room, turning on the light, locking the door, and sitting down. He stared at the plastic covered razor in his hand.

     _I don't need to do this again..._ He thought. _But... I deserve it... One for each bad thing I said to him_. A voice said back. Without hesitation, he began to pick at the plastic lining of the razor. He lost his grip and felt a prick on his thumb. He watched as a bit of blood rose at the surface.

     He ignored it, picking off the first layer. However, the blood from his finger made the plastic wet and yet again, he lost his grip. His index finger which was on the blade was now bleeding. There was a chunk taken out of it.

     Jeongin's eyes widened as he realised what he was doing. _Stop it! Stop it!_ He rushed out of his room, running into someone on his way out.

     "Ah-" Jeongin let out a pained sound and looked up to see Hyunjin. Of course Hyunjin was only a bit taller than him, however, he seemed to tower over him. It made Jeongin feel small. Extremely small.

     Wrong, even.

     "Jeongin? Why are you up so late?" Hyunjin's voice pulled him from his thoughts and he looked away. He hid his hands in his sweater sleeves. Hyunjin didn't seem to notice.

     "I... Couldn't sleep." His voice sounded unsure. However, Hyunjin didn't seem to pick up on that either. Too tired to notice, perhaps.

     "Me neither. I woke up an hour ago and haven't fallen back to sleep. I thought eating something might help. I know it's not good but it'll get my mind off things." Hyunjin said. "Want something?" Jeongin thought for a bit before shaking his head.

     "I have to go to the washroom." He said, quickly escaping. He sat in the bathroom, back pressed against the door, looking at his now blood covered sweater. He cringed at the sight and grabbed a piece of toilet paper, compressing the bleeding finger.

     No matter what he did, the bleeding wouldn't stop. He felt his heart race and his eyes widen. _No, no!_ The bandaids weren't in the bathroom. They were in the medicine cabinet, past the kitchen.

     After careful contemplation, Jeongin opened the door. Hyunjin stood outside, blocking the entrance. He looked at him to see the box of bandaids and an unsure look on the elders face. Jeongin's eyes filled with tears at the sight. _Does he know? He can't know!_

     "I thought you would need these. Is your finger alright?" He asked. He saw that Jeongin was a bit too choked up to answer, frozen in his place. "Sorry, did I scare you?" Hyunjin chuckled. He wiped away a tear from Jeongin's eye and pushed past him into the washroom.

     He sat down next to Jeongin on the floor and looked at his hand. Taking a wash cloth, he wet it with warm water and then lightly dabbed the latter's finger.

     "How did you even do this? It's pretty deep." He pointed out. Jeongin didn't know what to say, scared to tell the truth. His heart sped up just thinking of it.

     "I... Uh..." Jeongin's cheeks lit up like Christmas lights. Red like beets and warm like a fire. Hyunjin hadn't seen; too busy putting a bandaid on Jeongin's finger.

     "Huh?" Hyunjin sounded like he was asking a question. "You can't say you don't know." He laughed lightly. His light laugh made Jeongin even more nervous, but Jeongin smiled a bit to cover it up. But his smile was quickly replaced with tears. "Does it hurt that much?" Hyunjin gasped.

     Jeongin shook his head and began sobbing. He closed his eyes to avoid eye contact. He felt stupid. How could he do this in front of Hyunjin. Crying? Really? How pathetic it felt.

     It felt a bit less pathetic when he felt a warm pair of arms wrap around him. It took him a while but he slowly wrapped his arms around Hyunjin's torso. He hugged him tightly, getting a reassuring embrace in return.

     He sniffled into the latter's shoulder. It felt like forever since he had been hugged. He didn't know he needed it until it was given to him. When he pulled away, Hyunjin looked him in the eyes with concern in his eyes. He placed his hands on Jeongin's shoulders.

     "Jeongin, how did you do this?" He said, his voice firm as he picked up Jeongin's hand. Jeongin looked away, tears still spilling from his eyes. "I won't be mad. I just want to know how."

     "I... Was..." Jeongin couldn't find the appropriate words. "I was... I'm sorry... I was disassembling a razor." His voice was almost inaudible as he said it but it was sure and Hyunjin heard him clearly.

     "Why- what?" Was all the latter could say. He was genuinely confused. Jeongin couldn't tell him why so he thought it would be better to show him. He pulled down the waistband of his pants, showing Hyunjin his scars. Little, white worm looking things were all over Jeongin's hips.

     His shaky hands pointed to them and Hyunjin looked in horror. His eyes widened and he felt them prick with tears.

     Emotions overflowed. He felt angry, sad, disappointed. Everything. Angry that Jeongin hadn't trusted him enough to ask for help. Sad that he resorted to this. Disappointed that he couldn't help sooner. But now, it was different. He could help now and he intended to.

     "Jeongin, I... I'm sorry." He reached forward and grabbed Jeongin's hands. They were shaky and cold. He helped him up and lead him to his room. Hyunjin sat him down on his bed. He made him lay down and even tucked him into his bed before sitting at the edge.

     "Can I just... Ask why?" Hyunjin asked. Hyunjin didn't want to look at him. He was scared, so he kept his vision pointed at the floor. Jeonging felt ashamed.

     "Why what? Why I used to or why I almost just did?"

     "What was in your mind when you grabbed that razor?" He asked. Jeongin turned to his side, his back to Hyunjin. He took a while to answer, opening and closing his mouth.

     "I wanted to punish myself. That's why I always did it. Because I felt I did something wrong." Jeongin explained quietly. Hyunjin felt tears fall from his eyes.

     "What happened? What did you do wrong?" He asked with his voice shaking.

     "I got into a fight with Channie hyung." He said. "I said some mean things when he was only trying to give me advice."

     "Hyung wouldn't want you to hurt." Hyunjin said. "No one wants you to-"

     "I wanted myself to hurt. It had nothing to do with what he wanted." Jeongin interrupted in a snappy tone. He furrowed his eyebrows together and closed his eyes. _I just did it again..._

     "Yes it did. You felt like you hurt him so you hurt yourself. If he were hurting, then you'd know it. Jeongin, it's not your fault. You don't need to hurt because of this." Hyunjin said.

     "I know. Or at least I do now." Jeongin said. Hyunjin kept his gaze averted, taking in a deep breath.

     "What made you stop?" He asked. He wasn't asking in a snarky way, he wanted to know.

     "When I saw that blood on my finger, I knew. It scared me into understanding what I was about to do." The younger one explained. "Hyung, I've been clean for a year. I almost threw it all away tonight. But I didn't. And I'm proud of myself. For realising."

     Hyunjin leaned down and engulfed Jeongin in another hug. He began crying into the bedsheets. Jeongin didn't quiet know how to react and just decided to layed there while Hyunjin hugged him.

     "I'm proud of you too. I'm so proud that you didn't. And I'm happy that you've told me and- and you've opened up to me. Thank you." He cried. Jeongin sighed and turned over, facing Hyunjin.

     "Why are _you_ crying?" He asked. Hyunjin batted his teardropped eye lashes.

     "I don't know. I'm sad and happy. Because you opened up to me." He explained. "Whenever you need to talk, I'm here. And I don't think less of you because of this I still- I... I still..." He caught himself in the middle of his sentence and sat up. "I still think of you as you." That wasn't it.

     What he wanted to say was more. It meant more to him. It would mean more to Jeongin, but it was dangerous. To confess his feeling while Jeongin was having a hard time; that would be the worst.

     "I love you, hyung." He heard a small voice say. "Do... You love me?" Jeongin asked. No way this was happening. At least, that's what Hyunjin thought. It couldn't be going that way.

     ....could it?

     Hyunjin bit his lip and rapidly blinked away his tears, looking at Jeongin. He was confused, but Jeongin stared at him like he was sure as the day.

     "I should reword it. Shouldn't I?" Jeongin said. Hyunjin felt his heart stop pounding and a bit of relief in his head. "I meant. I'm _in_ love with you, hyung. I don't... Just love you... I want more."

     And his heart pounded in his ears, deafening him and pumping blood to his cheeks. Hyunjin felt a lump in his throat and thousands of thoughts ran through his head and he let out a shaky breath.

    "Jeongin." He could barely say the name of the boy in front of him. "I..." He tried to start, but lost his words.

     "It's okay if you don't... Love me." Jeongin said. "It's not your fault. I'm sorry." Hyunjin quickly shook his head.

     "N-no, it's hard to... Get out... I... I love you too. I didn't think I-I'd say it now." Hyunjin said. "I wasn't prepared." He excused. Jeongin was as surprised as Hyunjin.

     The two sat there in their awkward silence, not knowing what to do next. Jeongin moved a bit closer to Hyunjin, covering the older boy with blankets. Hyunjin smiled a bit, looking at Jeongin, who smiled back.

     Jeongin wrapped his arms around Hyunjin and pulled him into the bed. They layed there, tangled in the covers, sitting in silence until Jeongin spoke.

     "What would this make us?" Jeongin asked. Hyunjin shrugged, cuddling into Jeongin's chest.

     "Two boys in love?" He giggled. Jeongin giggled as well and shook his head.

     "No, hyung, for real." He said. Hyunjin looked up at him from his chest. He came closer to his face, noses touching, teasing Jeongin's expectations. Jeongin could feel Hyunjins breath on his lips as his eyes ran all over his face. "Just kiss me already."

     And so Hyunjin did, closing his eyes and feeling Jeongin's lips on his. Jeongin melted like chocolate in Hyunjin's mouth, his whole body relaxing in Hyunjin's embrace.

     To Jeongin, Hyunjin's lips felt like honey. So soft and sweet and just thick enough. Unfortunately for him, this was Jeongin's first kiss so he was awkward, not quite knowing what to do with his mouth.

     Hyunjin could tell and it only made Jeongin seem more cute. If that was even possible. The clumsy way his mouth moved against Hyunjin's showed Hyunjin how nervous he was. So to tease him, Hyunjin lightly bit Jeongin's bottom lip, pulling a bit. This earned a shiver from Jeongin.

     Jeongin pulled away, shock showing in his eyes, cheeks bright, and looking nervous. His eyes were glossy and wide, lips parted slightly, breathing heavily.

     "God, you look so beautiful right now." Hyunjin said. Jeongin felt his stomach roll and he hid his face in the covers.

    "You never told me what this makes us." Jeongin said, voice muffled by the covers in front of his face.

     "I'll be your boyfriend if you want." Hyunjin said. The younger poked his head out cutely.

     "Does that mean I can be your boyfriend?" Jeongin asked quietly. Hyunjin smiled and nodded. He reached out and placed his hand on the side of Jeongin's cheek.

     "You'll be my beautiful boyfriend." Hyunjin said.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I know it be sad.


End file.
